Healing through remembrance, one stitch at a time~

My kids all wished me a happy birthday yesterday, by way of texts and phone calls. As hard as it was, the only thing happy about my day was their remembering me.
My oldest daughter called. Everyone down there is still reeling from the sudden death of an Aunt and Uncle last Monday. The couple had been battling declining health for many years, both had heart problems. I don't know all the details but apparently one had just got home from the hospital the day before, and when their oldest daughter came over to check on them, found them both gone.
My older daughter has been dealing with her own battle with depression, for a number of years, too many. We cried about the loss and hopelessness, the feeling we could have done more and somehow that might have changed everything. I told her to never go down that path; what it does to those left behind, is too much to bear. She said she was scared, and I told her about my own fears. We promised to be there for each other, no matter how bad things seem. I know I can hold up my end of the bargain, but can she...? I can't go there......

I never got to send E one of my doilies. She made me a necklace with a poodle charm pendant she found on one of her many RV excursions, and I never got around to reciprocating. I took for granted the fact that she was always there in emails, ready for another political rant, or just a warm and fuzzy puppies and kittens email to share with me....I didn't answer her last email, figuring on her heading back home, I'd next hear they made it back, if they didn't stop over on their way....we'd talked about a surprise visit one day and I told her we'd love for them to stop by! How I wish we'd got that chance.....

I feel so terrible that we will never get that chance. I kept all her emails, the pictures of her fur-babies, old and new ones. The last picture of Buddy, before he passed while they were in Calif. She was bringing his ashes back to lay him to rest next to his other buds who had passed before him. E's last email to me was puppies and kittens. Was she sad at having to bring Buddy back this way...? She usually sent me political jokes, wasn't much for the warm and fuzzy, a down-to-earth matter of fact type. I remember thinking, "has E gone soft on me...?" it was not her usual email.

We may never know, for as her husband said in his last email, she went down a road she chose, no returning....

I will not do that to my people. E, if you're listening, I will catch up with you again, my Friend. I'll make you that doily, and maybe each stitch will bring me, no us, you and me closer to that spot on the horizon that we both seek to reach....

What was your favorite color, please tell me now....?

Today is my birthday. RIP EAB

I get an phone call on Monday afternoon from the Ex's wife. Ok, she's good people in my book, a real trooper, we get along fine. She tells me she has bad news....after battling various health issues, Nats Aunt and Uncle, both in their 70's, ended their lives on Monday morning, up in MI as well. -the oldest of 4 kids, Cindy was looking in on them and found them. Cause of deaths pending autopsy.

Today, I'm feeling somewhat ok, not my best-I reamed DH last night about (issues), felt really bad afterward.

Then Nats came home from a shopping trip with her girlfriend BT, and gifted me with an iPad 2 for my b-day!!! WHOOHOO, right? I stayed up until 2:30am configuring emails, reloading all my apps that are on my iPhoney and "the Cloud". I got 4 hours sleep before waking up to see her drive off to work, without my usual good-bye. My bad. I felt horrible for not getting up earlier.

Today, after a ride to town to get avocados for tacos, etc, I sat down at my desk to begin another work day. I glance at the Inbox and I see an email that reaches out and grabs my eyeballs and yanks them out of my sockets.

EAB RIP My Beautiful Wife

It's from E's husband, Fred. EAB, short for Elizabeth Ann Bradley. I call her E~

I'm reading, thinking to myself, it's a joke, right? keep reading, naaaahhhh, it's another one of those spam emails asking, no begging for me to send all my earthly wealth to some poor soul how left his entire inheritance somewhere in S. Africa.
I keep reading, my brain isn't registering the contents. I AM NOT READING THE WORDS. I scroll to the bottom, and in big bold beautiful living color, a picture of E~



E ended a long batter with depression last Sunday, on their way back from their winter trip to the West coast and back up to MI. They got to FL, and she ended her life there. I am devastated...I cried uncontrollably for nearly 30 minutes. Mike never heard me.

This pic was taken 3 days before her life ended.

As I look at this picture now before me, bigger than life, I see her eyes are not looking at the camera. They are looking to the horizon...what were you thinking about, E????

and WHT IS UP WITH MICHIGAN, is it the freaking Bermuda Triangle????

Hey, E? If you're if you're out there, if you're listening, Honey, let me know what you find out, please? And give Mr. Churchill a big HEY HO! for me~

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I'm keeping busy, I never felt so drained. My heart hurts. People don't realize what this does to loved ones left behind. I'm going to become a Families Left Behind Advocate. This is insane.

E: I will miss our emails and the political rants, the photos of the "fur-babies", the cross-country trips in the RV, the threats of someday showing up at our doorstep. "No worries, we have running water, bring it!"....

I love you, and will miss you, Old Friend,

see ya around the bend....

S~