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Sunday, April 22, 2012

Healing through remembrance, one stitch at a time~

My kids all wished me a happy birthday yesterday, by way of texts and phone calls. As hard as it was, the only thing happy about my day was their remembering me.
My oldest daughter called. Everyone down there is still reeling from the sudden death of an Aunt and Uncle last Monday. The couple had been battling declining health for many years, both had heart problems. I don't know all the details but apparently one had just got home from the hospital the day before, and when their oldest daughter came over to check on them, found them both gone.
My older daughter has been dealing with her own battle with depression, for a number of years, too many. We cried about the loss and hopelessness, the feeling we could have done more and somehow that might have changed everything. I told her to never go down that path; what it does to those left behind, is too much to bear. She said she was scared, and I told her about my own fears. We promised to be there for each other, no matter how bad things seem. I know I can hold up my end of the bargain, but can she...? I can't go there......

I never got to send E one of my doilies. She made me a necklace with a poodle charm pendant she found on one of her many RV excursions, and I never got around to reciprocating. I took for granted the fact that she was always there in emails, ready for another political rant, or just a warm and fuzzy puppies and kittens email to share with me....I didn't answer her last email, figuring on her heading back home, I'd next hear they made it back, if they didn't stop over on their way....we'd talked about a surprise visit one day and I told her we'd love for them to stop by! How I wish we'd got that chance.....

I feel so terrible that we will never get that chance. I kept all her emails, the pictures of her fur-babies, old and new ones. The last picture of Buddy, before he passed while they were in Calif. She was bringing his ashes back to lay him to rest next to his other buds who had passed before him. E's last email to me was puppies and kittens. Was she sad at having to bring Buddy back this way...? She usually sent me political jokes, wasn't much for the warm and fuzzy, a down-to-earth matter of fact type. I remember thinking, "has E gone soft on me...?" it was not her usual email.

We may never know, for as her husband said in his last email, she went down a road she chose, no returning....

I will not do that to my people. E, if you're listening, I will catch up with you again, my Friend. I'll make you that doily, and maybe each stitch will bring me, no us, you and me closer to that spot on the horizon that we both seek to reach....

What was your favorite color, please tell me now....?

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